'I'm back in the dating game... but it's all feeling too serious'

Dear Coleen

I’m a woman in my 30s and I’m dating again after ending a long-term relationship. I feel so out of my comfort zone, as I was with my ex for nine years, but I have met someone I like a lot and we’ve been on a few dates over the past few weeks.

My problem – if you can call it that – is he seems super keen, while I’m just enjoying his company and not looking too far ahead into the future.

He calls when he says he will, texts all the time to say “hi” and just check in and, honestly, I’m just not used to this level of attention and good manners from a guy.

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My ex frequently went AWOL and never answered his phone.

I suppose my worry is it all feels a bit much this soon into the relationship. He’s talking about us going away together over summer, which feels like quite a big step when he’s only stayed over at my place once.

I can’t work out if I’m being miserable or overcautious or if I need to listen to my gut and put the brakes on. I would love your opinion.

Coleen says

I think you should start as you mean to go on and just be honest with him.

Tell him you’re not used to this level of attention and commitment and, while you’re enjoying it, you don’t want things to move too fast, and it’s starting to feel overwhelming. You’ve just come out of a ­nine-year relationship, so it’s understandable that you’re wary of jumping into something serious so soon. It’s good to have space for yourself and some fun and lightness.

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Just be mindful that some of how you’re feeling might be down to the fact you haven’t been treated like this in the past, so you’re not quite sure what to do with it. You’re used to a partner who, from your description, sounds quite selfish and detached.

If you really like this new guy, then try not to overthink it too much.

But if you do tell him how you feel and he doesn’t get it or he’s a bit miserable about it, then maybe it is too much, too soon, and he’s not what you’re looking for at this time in your life.

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